To Sleep, Perchance To…?

Recently, my dreams have become extraordinarily vivid and involved.   They have even moved into a rather startling level of violence, though it’s a violence totally apart from what used to haunt my dreams…

Once, just a few years ago, my dreams were almost constantly of fleeing from violence and impotence in defending myself from same; firearms wouldn’t function, knives and swords would shatter or droop like rubber. So I would flee, running until my legs gave out, pressing down on my exhausted thighs just to drive each fear-filled step as threats and explosions would close in around me.

However, since I began shifting my control over my life and meditating, finding my center and going to sleep with an awareness of and control over my state of mind, my dreams have been far less vivid.  I have had no memory of violence or conflict in dream state for almost three years.

Until lately.

Just these last few nights, the stark, physical violence has returned, but with an entirely new twist: gone is the impotence and helpless, fear-filled flight. In their place is a calm, controlled resolve and sense of command. In these recent scenarios, not only have I been capable of proactive action, but I’ve taken charge, led and successfully defended innocents. While bullets have flown, I was able to find non-lethal means of subduing opponents. When confronted physically, I was capable of defending myself and keeping those around me safe.

Initially, before examining and seeing this profound change in the patterns of my dreams, I became fearful of returning to old patterns of subconscious violence and as a result, I didn’t even want to sleep. I wanted to find the “solution” to the seemingly darker turns of my dreams. But after discussing them with my lovely, level-headed Jacquelynn (she is the kind of rock so many of us need in our lives), the new nature of the patterns began to emerge, and I realized the progress that had been made. I still don’t really understand why my dreams have taken this path, but when I laid myself down to sleep last night, it was with the conscious and spoken affirmation that “I trust my spirit and my mind to show me what I need to see”, and for the first time in several days, I slept the night through. The dreams still came, but my mind let them flow without trauma, and I awoke naturally, rather than in mid-dream shock.

I don’t enjoy violence in any form these days. Even my beloved comic-book movies occasionally go too far, and I carefully pick and choose which I’ll see (as in NO R-rated movies at all, and excess “realistic” [i.e. bloody] effects are completely out of the question). But finally experiencing a level of control and effectiveness where before only fear and impotence ruled can’t be a bad thing, I think.

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