Hope MUST Endure

Jacquelynn fell last night.

She’s okay, but she almost fell two more times, once before the actual fall and another after, all within about five or ten minutes.

I credit some of it to the fact that she was freshly awakened.   She’s always pretty fuzzy both physically and cognitively for a while after she wakes.  It started with her “twitch”, when her right arm (and her left as well, this time).  When both arms flail forward, she bends at the waist as if to counterbalance, then overcompensates when she straightens too quickly, and begins to head towards the floor butt-first.  I caught her the first time, preventing the final overbalance rearward, but she was a foot further from me a moment later when it happened again, and she quite quickly went all the way down.

Now, Jacquelynn has never had an excess of padding back there, and after her weight loss is essentially nothing but skin and bones in that area.   The whole second story shook with the impact, and I was immediately afraid that she’d truly hurt herself, but aside from coming damned close to busting her pretty skull on the bedroom TV cabinet she was totally unscathed and bruise free.  Not even a little sore.  As I mentioned, it happened a third time, and she successfully caught herself that time.

This all happened between 2-2:30 a.m., as she had awakened to find me not in the bed and got up to check on me.  I had been suffering horrible allergy attacks all evening, with non-stop sneezing and nose blowing.  I tried to join her in bed once but my sniffling and blowing woke her up twice only seconds after she had dozed, so I apologized and retired downstairs to re-medicate and hopefully to get to bed eventually.  So, she was up and I had walked her back toward bed when she fell.  Eventually, she went back to bed, and at around 3, I was able to join her, thanks to a second dose of Benadryl.

When we finally got out of bet this morning, it took her a while find her sea legs again, and there were a couple more stumbles.  This, of course, put me on high alert for the early part of the day, but it turned out okay.  Doesn’t entirely alleviate my case of nerves, but I’ll take it.  It was a beautiful day, and we had a few walks, some good meals, and got some work done around the house.

And when Jacquelynn found herself searching for a word, lost and unable to express her wish for a simple yogurt, she cried.  All my attempts to help just seemed like I was pushing and getting impatient with her, even though the exact opposite was my intent. So she cried.  She shook and wept and sobbed as I held her until she finally wrapped her arms around me and continued until she was cried out.

For most of the rest of the day, even on our walks (which are usually the brightest and most optimistic part of her day), she felt as if healing had stopped, even doubting the progress we’ve made thus far.  I understand the feeling, but I can’t let hopelessness take root, so I spent the evening boosting her mood and spirits.   A successful dinner experiment made her smile, as did a surprise dessert.

I think she felt better as she went to bed.  I know I have to work to make tomorrow better for her.

Hope must endure. Without hope, nothing else matters.

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