Progress Tries To Trump Fear (and mostly succeeds)

There are days I really wish I were better at this.

Jacquelynn really is doing better, and we’re both very much looking forward to our first appointment with the new doctor on the 19th.

Jacquelynn’s exercise time on the stationary recumbent bicycle has improved and increased all on its own. We started off just at any pace her body set, just trying to get 5 minutes of pedaling in. I made the decision very early in that I wouldn’t inform her of the elapsed time unless she asked, so as not to artificially limit her time. Initially, she was asking at 2-3 minutes, and I was gently nudging her to complete the five minutes. Today, she finally asked how long she’d been going at 9:40, and at a much faster pace as well (the display on the bike fritzed out a week in; what you expect for $70 at Play It Again Sports).

We are also meditating together twice daily now. We’d been talking about it for a while, but she finally reached a point of willingness dovetailing with awareness that it’s a viable activity now, and she’s really taken to it. Again, we started just a week ago at five minutes per session, and that has very easily ballooned to 15-20 minutes each time. I put on some gentle isochronic tunes (try the Insight Timer app; wonderful source and free as well!), and softly guide her through a breath-focused meditation that helps her create a place of calm and peace within that she will eventually be able to return to at a moment’s notice whenever she feels frazzled or afraid.

We’ve already noticed a considerable improvement in her focus and even her conversational skills immediately following meditating; words come more easily to her and even when the precise word or phrase she’s looking for isn’t readily available, her reactions are much calmer and gentler. Without a doubt, this will be a boon of ever-increasing value as she continues to heal.


But, as I stated in my opening sentence, there are definitely days when I wish I were better at this:


For many years, Jacquelynn has been subject to late-night leg cramps.   Occasionally, they’re so bad that she’s woken up screaming, feeling as though she were being skinned alive right in her bed. We used to treat these with an over-the-counter pill called, appropriately enough “Leg Cramps”, and of course, plenty of water.

Well, the pill was essentially a potassium supplement, and that is now officially a no-no. Her potassium was WAY too high upon testing last fall. So, with those same cramps shocking her awake two of the last three nights and three times in a week, that leaves water as our only recourse.

As you may imagine, Jacquelynn drinks a good bit of water, taking 20+ pills every day. Or at least it would seem so. Measuring it out, I have apparently allowed a significant lapse in her intake. Even with constantly topping-off her small pill-taking-glass with lemon water, she’s getting less than 16 oz daily. Add the 8 oz glass that begins every morning, and she’s still well under the recommended minimum for every human, not to mention someone with her medical history.

You see, historically, the leg cramps begin a month or so before her next trip to the emergency room for kidney stones, signifying a dangerously low water intake.

So, today I increased her water intake. An additional 32 oz daily to begin with, eventually to level out at 48 oz over and above what she gets taking her pills.

Here’s where I should have known better.

Now, I know full well that change isn’t Jacquelynn’s best friend.   Where she used to be unbelievably flexible and resistant to routine, exactly the opposite is the rule today.   Structure is essential, and any blow to that status quo is very difficult for her to adjust to. This knowledge in hand, you would expect me to just subtly sneak in a few extra glasses of water each day, gradually getting her comfortable with a new routine without announcing such a substantial change.

And you’d be a damn fool to expect me to be so wise. The first two-plus hours of the day were spent going back-and-forth from consoling and trying to put her at ease to explaining and finally arguing over the necessity of it. It finally calmed down when I turned the tables on her (albeit unintentionally) when I admitted my terror that I had already killed her by letting her go so long without drinking anywhere enough water to stave off another bout of stones and eventual sepsis.

Yes, these fears live within me. Yes, sometimes when I’m in the bathroom for an hour and a half, I’m weeping uncontrollably rather than taking a shit. Yes, my nightmares often involve losing her to my own inaction. Yes, I can meditate and calm those fears to return to my true faith in our path. But, No, I never intended for her to know these things. I did NOT consciously dredge that out to use it against her.   I would never conceive of that.


It worked, but I should be smarter than that by now. I should damn well know better.


She’s 4/5 of the way through today’s allotted water intake as of 3 p.m., and I’m charting it for her to observe and to help her know what to expect.

2 thoughts on “Progress Tries To Trump Fear (and mostly succeeds)

  1. Matthew, We are following your blog and are impressed with the progress Jacquelynn is making. Please send posts to my email address. Also I read the book Ending Alzheimers and plan to post a book review on my blog Is it OK to link this review to your blog?
    Happy Valentine’s day to both of you. Dottie


    • Dottie,
      I’m grateful that you’re reading, and we’re increasingly thrilled with her progress. You may absolutely feel free to link any or all of my articles to your review. Thank you.
      If you’ve subscribed, you should be receiving links when I post. If not, I can forward the links directly to you if you prefer.
      Hoping you and Marion are doing well and enjoying your new life.
      Matthew, with Jacquelynn sending love.


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