So, I’ll be starting back to work this week, full time.
As you no doubt expect, this causes a certain angst within the household, with us both anticipating a considerable separation anxiety as I will be leaving her alone and to her own devices for full work days rather than the 2-3-ish hours at a time I’ve tried to limit it to for the last year or so.
But perhaps that has been a mistake. Perhaps I’ve allowed (forced?) Jacquelynn to become ever more dependent on me rather than allowing her to learn and make mistakes on her own. I feel like the parent I never wanted to be; leaving my charge to face challenges on her own without being there to back her up. I’m probably every bit as frightened as she is, right now.
The simple fact is that Jacquelynn is better; FAR better than she was last year when I was still working and leaving her home alone for 12-hour days at work. We’ve both just become so totally accustomed to my being here that it has become very scary to contemplate ending that. This will force her to step further outside her comfort zones every day, though, and while frightening as hell, will soon prove to be maybe the most important step we’ve taken in months.
I expect the first week or so will be at least mildly traumatic for us both, but that we’ll soon fall into a healthy and growth-promoting pattern of come-and-go, give-and-take.
We’re grateful for all the immense moral support we’ve received, and we thank you all from the bottom of our hearts.
You will recall my stated intent to begin doing “energy work”, studying and then treating my wife with Reiki principles and methods. Without going into deep detail as I do not see it as my role here to convince anyone or change minds, let alone further alienate skeptics by going into specifics, I will unequivocally state the following:
Jacquelynn is expressing herself more easily and hunting for words less. This, in turn, elevates her mood and state of mind, in an ever-increasing and beautifully self-fulfilling prophecy of improvement; the better you feel, the better expect to get, and the better you will get.
Her balance and physical confidence have also improved. She is less timid going down the stairs. Going up has never really been an issue, but down has occasionally frozen her in fear, with me having to talk her down from a panic more than once, then guiding her down very slowly. But there has been no whimpering, no waiting for me to notice her standing atop the stairway, and very little hesitation at all. She climbs on-and-off her stationary recumbent bicycle all alone, needing only a little guidance to get her feet on the peddles (and less of that each time).
I personally have no doubt about the impetus of these improvements, but honestly, only a fool would question or even care either how or why rather than simply embracing and celebrating each and every victory and piece of evidence of even incremental recovery.
She’s getting better.
Thank God, Buddha, The Universe and/or any other entity or consciousness you choose, SHE IS GETTING BETTER!
THAT is a truth I can get behind, and which will power me through every day going forward.