Seven months and six days she’s been gone now.
Life today in no way resembles life then; I’ve adopted a cat for Sky, broken my own heart again, sold the house, purchased an RV, and “moved in” with my sister temporarily to prepare to spend several months to a year touring the nation looking for where I want to settle next and start our dog rescue project.
Still, one thing remains consistent: I may, at any moment, with the slightest provocation, fall completely apart.
A song, a photograph, a meme, a pedestrian who resembles her. Sometimes it’s nothing at all having to do with her, but it still breaks my heart into a dozen pieces. And it’s always a shock to me to find myself shaking and sobbing when only a moment ago I was smiling and rubbing the dog’s tummy.
It’s happening more frequently now, with all the change and uncertainty following selling the (her) house and leaving the only home we knew together. For more than seventeen years we shared that house, only the last seven months when she was in the nursing home did I spend there alone. Even then, I spent as much time out of the house and with her at the facility as I possibly could. It wasn’t home without her.
She was my home.
I don’t miss the house even a little bit, but in its absence, I miss her even more. It’s odd, but with no more constant reminders of her presence surrounding me, my mind and my heart reach out for her even more. To be honest, I expected the opposite; with fewer touchstones and physical memories staring me in the face every moment, I was anticipating a bit of a reprieve from the grief, but in that vacuum seems to have grown an environment for even more mourning.
It’s not crippling me. I am still SO much better than I was just a few months ago, but I do seem to have lost a few months from my recovery arc.
For this reason and so many more, I am more eager than ever to launch this quest and hit the road. Travel beckons me like it never has before. These incessant delays have honestly put me in a position to be of service to my family, and I will always be grateful for that. I am also fully cognizant and grateful that the maintenance issues that have arisen with the RV have done so now, when and where I can get them professionally addressed rather than out on the road 300 miles and several days from any qualified help whatsoever.
But I am ready to go. I eagerly anticipate getting these final issues resolved this week and finally receiving my title from Ohio so I can get my permanent tags and hit the road. I already have the motorcycle and trailer ready. A few more supplies need to arrive from eBay and Amazon in the interim than I’ll be one hundred percent ready for the road.
The pets and I could use all the good thoughts and well-wishes you can spare.
I hope to see you on the road. Just as I look forward to meeting Matthew 3.0 out there, somewhere. He’s waiting for me.